Self examination.

The past few months have been a time of rigorous self examination. I’ve had so many questions exploding in my mind.

  • Do I really believe all of this?
  • Do I really believe the entire Bible to be inspired by the God?
  • Do I really believe that Jesus Christ was the Son of God?
  • Do I have faith?

This has been going on for a few months. I believe the Lord has allowed these questions to rise up in me so that in turn I will be rooted deeply in what I profess to believe. But these questions have scared me. I am already insecure in so many other ways, the last thing I need is to feel insecure in my faith. But rather than cowardly ignoring these questions, I decided to confront them.

I have had to dig deeply into myself. Deeper than I have ever been before. I have had to dig into the Word of God and let it cut me where I needed to be cut. It has been a grueling and painful process. But I’m starting to get a glimpse to the other side of this valley I have been trudging through the past few months. By the power of His Spirit, my eyes are starting to be opened even more to the glorious truth of who Jesus Christ is. I’m starting to see Him for who He really is.

As God.

I’m seeing Him now as the center of reality. I see Him now as the One who has set forth this existence into motion with the Word of His mouth, and is actively involved in every aspect of it. He, Christ Jesus, is the sustaining force that keeps all things going. He, Christ Jesus, is the very centrality of life. Everything that exists, both seen and unseen, is linked directly to Him because nothing can exist without Him declaring that it should be……like people. Every human life has come into being because He has decided in His mind that it should be so. Every human life is constantly being observed and closely examined by His eternal eye. He sustains each heart beat, each breath, each cellular function, each thought, each emotion, each word. Every second in time, like this one, occurs as a result of His magnificent power.

Who He is will not be changed by my inability to fully comprehend all of this. He is forever unchangeable and His love toward me is steadfast for eternity. I find my rest and peace in the unmerited love that He has for me. It is that love that casts out my fear and eliminates my insecurities.

He bled for me. He suffered for me. He died for me.

He is so good.

Yet so often I live like all of these things are not true. I think about so many other things besides the One who gave me this time. The words I speak so often have nothing to do with the gracious God who both gave me this life, and died for me to have life that would continue forever.

I want to really live the life that His death has purchased for me. In complete submission to His will and His desires and always seeking His glory above my own. Only in these things will I find my joy.

He is worthy of more than the life I’ve been living. A mediocre, lukewarm life that is only as radical as my most recent facebook status. I was created for more.

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One thought on “Self examination.

  1. Hey Matt, I am going through this same trial right now. I have been asking myself these same questions, and like you it scares me. It seems that almost every time I open the Bible I’m questioning what it says, because there have been a few verses that have seemed to contradict other verses in the Bible, to me anyways. Actually I’ve battled with these questions and fears for years now. I wish I could read them in their original language and context, maybe that would clear things up for me. I am trying to trust God, but I’m so scared that I don’t. I’m so much like doubting Thomas.


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